I’ve spent the last three months working really hard on an illustration/design project I’ll be officially launching this fall. Plus two murals at Grant Elementary and releasing my album! It’s been full, probably too full with very little time for any sort of free creative expression or much leisure time. Usually when I get really busy like that I have to find small ways to express myself and hold on to some form of creative practice. For me this summer, that little thread I’ve kept pulling on is poems. Sitting with my coffee in the morning, or even on a walk with my dog (two parts of my routine that remain consistent no matter what) I will jot down a few lines in my notes app or in a journal.
I know I wrote about fear in July, it’s been a fear-filled summer for me. My brother’s partner has been arrested twice and is now facing federal conspiracy charges in connection to an ICE protest in June along with 8 other Spokane citizens. There’s lots of articles about the events, here’s one that just came out about one of the other folks in the same case. When someone close to you becomes affected by something bigger happening, things tend to shift because it’s not a story or a news article. It is your community and your life and the life of someone close to you. There are a lot of really confusing and difficult things going on and my nervous system is grappling with the fear and stress.
I am trying to say to myself and to the powers that be, “I will not let fear dictate my life”. But how? Fear is real. And right now, I am afraid my friend will go to federal prison. Because that is a real thing happening. I am afraid of the reality that climate change is going to make our planet uninhabitable. This is a valid, real thing to fear.
But here I am growing tomatoes in my garden, taking my dog on walks. Writing songs. Living my dream of being a full time artist. Loving the people around me. I just spent two hours with my neighbor and dear friend Judy, we cried and laughed and told stories and looked at flowers and squirrels.
Here I am writing poems in my stupid little smart phone.
Here I am trying my best to look fear right in the eye and say…I see you. I respect you. I consider you. You are my informant, not my oppressor.
I’ve heard a lot of people say “joy is resistance” and I have been thinking about that a lot. But what if you don’t feel joyful. What if that’s not something you can access right now or even believe in? What if your brain is on a catastrophization loop? If that’s the case, I say moving at all is resistance. Because fear is fucking paralyzing. It literally makes my body feel stiff and my heart so brittle it could crack into a million pieces. So, what if I can move and flow and dance in the middle of fear pushing. Knowing full well that force is there, what if just getting up and moving…what if just imagining an idea…what if taking the extra step of adding a garnish to a meal is resisting terror. You get to decide what the action is. If the fear is so big that even the tiniest thing is an act of resisting that fear…I’m doing it. I’m doing it all. And then taking a nap.
Here’s a few poems close to this topic. And if you haven’t read my AI rant newsletter from last month, you should. 😉 Take care ❤️
What good is a song?
What good is a song
Tuned to the right key
Of your own lost heart strings
Bringing you back to
Yourself to commune
For a world changing 3 minutes
What good is a poem
With just the turn of phrase
To set forth the path anew
After you had been wandering
Wandering isn’t wrong
Being lost is in everyone
What good is a painting?
Colors releasing a set of tears
Held back for so long inside
A shell desperately holding
To some image of what
Together looks like
What good is love?
A touch or a look, a gesture leaving
Nothing in your control ever again
Holding it together isn’t wrong
Being in control is everything to you
How do we know what is good
When everything is lost
When nothing is enough
Being lost is just a feeling
What you are is enough
And any song is only as good
As the amount of courage you
Have to believe good still exists
If you look really close
If you look really close
You can see the universe
The milky way
The happiness you miss
If you zoom all the way in
The cracks become a
Gateway to everything
You hoped would come true
Someday
If you listen really carefully
You can hear the whole
World sing a song, a chorus
Knit with tenderness together
With everything below and above
Resounding melodies of love
It feels Pollyannish to still believe in peace
If feels so ignorant to think maybe I could have a dream
But I do
And I still do
SEPTEMBER EVENTS
Isn’t it nice to hug and gather and have music and drinks and togetherness? Well, here’s a few chances for that this month.
9/12 - Alcohol & Feelings at Zola - 9pm 21+
9/13 - Alcohol & Feelings trio at Porchfest (Details here)
