As a small business owner I used to write a lot about my experience. Privately in journals, on instagram or here and there for a local publication. It was a nice way to reflect as writing tends to be. So, this month after spending a little time at both the old Lucky You and Bartlett spaces, I thought it would be a good time to write.

For those of you who haven’t known me for very long, I spent almost ten years building and co-operating two different music venues in Spokane with my ex-partner. In the beginning it was his dream to own and operate a music venue. I had been a very connected part of a venue prior in Spokane called The Empyrean. Not on the business side, but with organizing events and being around the music scene a lot. Experiencing first hand how hard they had to work just to keep their heads above water and how emotionally draining the operation was, kept me pretty keen to the reality. I was fearful to attempt something similar and my hesitancy was not misplaced. It was rooted not just in watching how tough it is to financially run a small brick and mortar business, but it was rooted in observation of culture. Culture of music, art, events and of course the culture of Spokane. 

But sheesh, I love music. (Initially I had a 5 paragraph aside about my history and upbringing with music here…saving that for another day lol.) So, when my life moved towards intertwining my livelihood with the music industry, I made room in my heart for the challenges I knew it would bring. It was HARD. I felt as though I would have to pause all my own creative and career endeavors…similar to when someone has a child. I had a successful full time freelance design business at the time and I had to start saying no to work because I logistically couldn’t manage my client work while running the bar at the venue, hosting the open mic, marketing shows and filling the empty gaps in the calendar with ideas for events. The workload and shift of focus made me feel like my own musical exploration would also be completely snuffed out. It truly crushed my spirit. 

I made the choice of my own free will and I owned it as best I could. I signed the lease and the loan papers. The complicated soup of gratitude and regret I have for these decisions will always be with me. Boy did I wedge my creative spirit into every possible moment. The poster designs, the arts organizing, the way I interacted with people. I started sharing original music again at the open mic I hosted and was welcomed and encouraged by the people I had welcomed and encouraged. There was a rawness to my life. It wasn’t at all what I had dreamed or wanted really. I cried every night while I closed the bar and counted the till. But the gifts came to me ten fold. And there was music. TONS of music.

After not too long I took a job working in advertising full time because the business was less of a livelihood venture and more of a charity-without-non-profit-status. I delegated my bar managing tasks and kept the rest. It was a grind. Sometimes 12 hour days at my advertising job ended with me coming home to work another 4-6 to market the 20 some shows we were hosting per month. Or the day would end with being at the venue for a show or an event or an open mic. When it came to hours put in, I outworked my ex-partner at least twofold. And I nearly worked myself to death. The physical, emotional and mental toll it took on me still continues to emerge in different ways as I unwind into a different lifestyle.

Fast forward ten years and I am no longer a music venue owner. The meaning I made to weave the roles I had into my identity were a desperate attempt to reconcile the life I wasn’t able to live. The four walls of both venues are the habitat of someone else’s dreams, stresses, love and meaning now. The Q Lounge, formerly The Bartlett is run by the owners of Nyne Bar (Kitty and Terri) as a mellow queer friendly space to grab a drink and hang with friends. They kept the stage and will be bringing in some light programming…acoustic live music and open mics. The Chameleon, formerly Lucky You is re-opened as a venue/nightclub by my friends Josh and Hazel.

I recently got to visit both spaces. I was nervous about what that might feel like, but upon reflection, I realized that my love and connection for the businesses I was a part of had less to do with those businesses and more to do with me. The music I got to witness and how it made me feel. The people I got to work with and meet and the relationships we built. The creative (and non creative) work I put my heart into. And of course, through the person I was committed to and how I invested in our collaboration. All these things were exercises in the core of my spirit expressing itself in daily life. And though there is at times a feeling of great loss, there is also the realization that it’s all no different than who I am and what I have now. The heartbreak I experienced when The Bartlett closed is something I still mourn as I know some of you do. But the gifts of that space are within us. Community, connection, art…life lived amidst those things. 

Now as a full time artist I seek those same things. I believe in them as much as I used to even though my life looks very different. The goodness inhabiting a space isn’t that space, it’s what we bring into it. 

Some of you reading I asked a lot of. You know who you are. Maybe I asked you to show up and paint walls, maybe I pressured you to play music or show up to concerts I thought you might like, maybe I asked you for money and you gave generously, maybe you knew how much I was hurting and you offered friendship…I just want you to know how much I will never forget the togetherness we all created. And how supported I always felt. I was never afraid to ask for help as a business owner and you were never afraid to show up. What an incredible thing to witness and be a part of. Thank you. I have considered deeply how hard it might be for all of you close ones to watch spaces you invested time, money and heart into close. My hope is that we see the regeneration of our love and effort for years to come. Little by little as we continue to show up with generosity and hope in our community. 

Lastly, this bit of writing is somewhat aspirational. I think it’s truly what’s in my heart, but the shadow side of it does still hold some bitterness and pain and it’s not all hope and belief. I don’t ever want to make it seem like there’s just a sunny side, but if you know me, you know I like to focus on the good! 🥲

🎨 4/10 Live painting at From Here 11:00am-3pm

🎨 4/13 Lumberbeard Locals Only Pop-up 4:30-6pm

🎵 4/22 Alcohol & Feelings at Maxwell House 7:30-9:30

🎨 4/20-21 Renegade Craft Fair 

🎨 4/26-27 Portland Night Market